Funny

When I drive if you beep your horn 1 second after the light changes green I will shut off my car, lay on the hood & feed birds for an hour.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the fuck is my phone?" and it would be like, "It's under the couch dumbass."
Today I sent out a text saying, "Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?" 12 people called me...I need smarter friends.
I hate when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn't follow the script #DamnTeenQuote
Old people at weddings always poke me n say "You're Next". So I started doing the same to them at funerals....
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