Fresh Statuses

Some of us live thousands of miles away from the majority of our relatives and can't be with them for the holidays. But don't be jealous.
Swiss army knives are only like 8% knife.
Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence?...... There's one marked "Brightness" but it doesn't work.
I stayed up all night trying to remember if I had Amnesia or Insomnia.
I'm 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
When you're a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you're an adult, they're considered immature.
Why would you go to the gym to work out when you can go to the Paint Store and get "thinner"
Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake it’s birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
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