Fresh Statuses

If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you're walking.
Toys R Us is filing for bankruptcy. Four more times and it will qualify them to run for President.
Pet stores should post "Chameleon" on empty reptile cages just to see how long people would stand and look.
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
More people should be at a loss for words.
I don't like the term "stalker". I prefer "unpaid private investigator".
Shaving your head is the "You can't fire me because i quit" approach to male pattern baldness.
I ate a shepherd's pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
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