Fresh Statuses

Watching all these Hollywood people pretend they didn't know about Weinstein is some of the best acting they’ve done in years.
Limbo champion walks into a bar...he's disqualified.
I buy my condoms at Costco. When you go through them like I do, you need a place with a really good return policy.
But in my most troublesome times, I looked down and saw only one set of footprints. I asked the Lord why, and He replied that sand people ride single file to hide their numbers.
Her: I bet he's thinking about other women. Me: Why the hell doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
[At a spelling bee] Teacher: your word is "forwards" Me: No fair! Everyone else only had to spell one.
"Send nudes, not nukes" is the "make love, not war" of this century
Netflix is raising rates again? Man, whoever's password I'm using has got to be pissed!
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